Diary Entries

I need to stop stalling, I have school work due that's gonna end up causing me to fail if I don't turn it in...T-T. I seem to be doing better in terms of assignments and turning them in on time (for the most part) but it still feels like I'm behind. Art is such a hard topic to talk about with others unless they also do art as well because I don't know how to articulate that without this passion I would probably actually kill myself, but the struggle of perpetually trying to get better while seeing others that are clearly more superior than you, it's tiring and extremely demotivating sometimes. But I still press on cause without art, I am nothing.

In other less depressing news, I've been watching shitty disater movies and also watching the original Godzilla movies for the first time, as I was recommended a stream with the movies playing (I think it's over 60 movies total...not sure if it includes the new ones.) But from what I've been able to catch so far, as I'm watching these throughout the day, I've been enjoying them a lot. Something about overlooming terror that seems to threaten humanity seems to always intrigue me the most, even though I don't really enjoy seeing extreme gore or the like. But I think it's the intrigue of people being put in near impossible situations but dispite all odds, they win. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I like pretending that I'm overly optomistic about life even when life feels like it's falling apart.

My relationship with people though, I feel it's kind of declining? I'm pretty sure it's because I haven't taken my meds in a few weeks. the situation with that is funny though, as I usually have to pay out of pocket for them, with the price slowly increasing, and unfortunately I don't really have much of a choice because these are the meds that work well for me to both function and also with my concentration as well... But since switching health insurance (thanks government health care system/s) I've had to switch eveything from my old pharmacy to a new one that DOES accept my insurance, because apparently I'm too 'poor' by Walgreens standards. So this entire situation has been fun because my prescriptions just straight up disapeared from the records on the new pharmacy, so I have to wait till the closest appointment I could get with my psychiatrist, which is this coming Monday. Anyways sorry for the rant, all that to say that I'm probably overthinking things because I'm unmedicated, so my paranoia is exasperated even more than usual. I hope it's because of my medication, or lack thereof. Life's been pretty hard right now so I'm not sure if I want to deal with more.

Having to survive in the real world is scary.

I've been extremely paranoid and distrusting lately. My guess is that I have't be able to take my medication that I usually do, so it's been affecting me pretty hard. It's also that time of the month, and I haven't been keeping up with my T-shots so unfortunately, it's how other trans-mascs refer to it as, "Shark Week" lol. So I'm pretty sure I'm also emotional because of that as well. Life kind of sucks right now.

I'm a bit nervous about writing about my eating disorder on my website...though I'm pretty sure as long as it's not illegal and inhumane neocitites is ok with it being uploaded onto the servers. Also, I'm not exactly sure what compels me to share it online (probably a feeling of belonging?) especially as I've tried going on social media and joining circles there, and I have! Many of the people there are very kind and understanding. But social media as a whole scares me... and somehow I justify putting my dirty laundry on neocitites as if it's any better lmao. oh I got distracted, what I originally wanted to write was about how drained I feel because of my ed (what a surprise right?/s) It's actually a big part of the reason why I quit my part-time job, because frankly, I don't have the physical energy to do college full time, actively participate in college clubs, have a relationship, and also work almost 30 hour weeks, along with modeling and drawing the assignments I have and that takes it's own time. And my energy is draining away slowly but surely; you would think I would want to stop. But I don't? Duh, I'm aware it's the ed but what I've seemed to notice is what I always must be suffering for some reason one way or another. Like I go lookng for trouble and things to cause me more pain. As to why, I'm honestly not sure. Probably what I'm used to. things are complicated right now and it's annoying to justify why I keep causing myself so much pain when I live in a world like this. (truly living in a society/ref(killme.))